Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
