So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
