After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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