Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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