I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
wow bdsm is so cute
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