dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
