I wannas sexs uuuuu
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Randomize