My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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