Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
