I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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