Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
