i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
