I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
