I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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