you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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