What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
