Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
