im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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