it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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