just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
