I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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