Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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