Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
