Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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