turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
