Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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