blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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