I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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