Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
