One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
