Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
