saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Randomize
