You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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