My nipple is on Facebook.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
