I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
