I accidentally had phone sex last night
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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