2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
