Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
