I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
