someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
