Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
