Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im six kinds of drunk right now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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