this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
