when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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