he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
