Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
