your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
