You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
