I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
