I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
