fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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