Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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