i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
